by Paul Bramson, CEO of The Paul Bramson Companies
There is a misconception that assertiveness is synonymous with aggression. Let’s clear that up — while assertive individuals can sometimes be aggressive, the two are not interchangeable, nor do they have to go hand in hand.
Assertiveness is about confidently expressing your needs and boundaries, whereas aggression involves violating others’ rights. Recognizing this distinction is crucial to fostering more effective and respectful communication.
One can express one’s opinions and emotions in a confident and respectful way. When effective, assertiveness is a strong leadership quality. Assertive, mindful, and respectful individuals cultivate strong professional relationships and enhance workplace positivity.
So, how can you be assertive and effective and still be liked?
Assertiveness begins with clear and direct communication
To communicate clearly and directly, it’s essential to know what you want to convey or achieve. Personal clarity keeps you focused and ensures your message is effectively delivered.
As you communicate, be clear and specific. For instance, rather than saying, “I want that report soon,” add specificity by saying, “I need that report by 3:00 PM today” to add clarity and precision.
Assertive communication is all about being clear and concise. But here’s the twist — be mindful not to come across as abrupt or short. Keep your tone positive and your attitude upbeat so that your message feels more like a collaboration than a command.
For example, instead of saying, “I need that report by 3:00 PM today,” try saying, “I need that report by 3:00 PM today so I can review it and send it out by the end of the day to meet their deadline. I really appreciate your hard work on this!” A little appreciation goes a long way in keeping the conversation friendly and productive.
Filler words like “um,” “ah,” and “like” create an impression of being unsure. Cut back on these to boost your confidence and make your communication sharper and more impactful.
Using an active voice sharpens clarity and boosts assertiveness in your communication. Instead of saying, “Mistakes were made,” own it with, “I made a mistake.”
Foster assertive dialogue with “I” statements
Assertive leaders start with “I,” signaling ownership and confidence. This language shows a leader who takes charge. But be mindful — overusing “I” can overshadow the team’s efforts. It’s crucial to know when it’s an “I” moment versus a “we” situation to acknowledge collective achievements properly.
Assertiveness is more than words
True assertiveness comes from strong situational awareness. Assertive leaders build trust and rapport by fully understanding the context of the situation. This requires top-notch communication skills, especially active listening.
By gathering facts, listening to understand, and using clarifying questions when needed, leaders ensure they have all the information to act and speak assertively. Master this, and you’ll be able to lead with confidence and clarity.
Additional benefits are how you make someone else feel. When people feel heard, they feel respected and valued. They will be more open and receptive to what you say or ask them to do.
How assertive individuals carry themselves and present themselves to others is crucial. Body language and nonverbal cues are powerful tools. For instance, steady, consistent eye contact shows you’re direct and engaged — though remember, it’s about soft, steady focus, not staring.
Your posture matters, too; standing upright conveys strength, and leaning in slightly shows you’re attentive. Avoid fidgeting or wringing your hands, as this can signal anxiety. Instead, use purposeful hand gestures that align with your words to enhance your communication.
Lastly, never underestimate the power of an authentic smile. It’s a simple yet powerful way to engage others.
Embodying assertiveness
Being assertive is not a performance you turn on and off. Assertive people present themselves with confidence as part of who they are.
If you’re working on being more assertive, try out some of the above techniques in low-stakes situations. This will boost your self-confidence and gradually empower you to apply these skills in more and more situations.
Practice assertive communication techniques with a friend, trusted mentor, or even in front of a mirror. Role-playing builds confidence and better prepares for real-life interactions. It might feel awkward at first, but trust me, it gets easier. Eventually, it becomes second nature — just part of who you are and how you present yourself consistently.
Self-awareness is crucial for growth. After meetings or interactions, ask friends and trusted colleagues for feedback — they can highlight what’s working and what might need tweaking. Pair this with self-reflection to see how different techniques make you feel.
Assertiveness isn’t just about what you do but how you feel. Fine-tuning your approach based on what feels empowering helps you improve.
Paul Bramson is widely regarded as one of the most impactful and gifted keynote speakers and trainers globally. Recognized as a thought leader in the areas of communication, leadership, and sales, Paul has over 25 years of experience inspiring all levels of professionals, leaders, and teams. Paul’s ability to captivate and entertain audiences stems from his genuine passion, unique talents, and commitment to being better.
